Artist Rendering of New Recreation Area

Due to time constraints, this issue of

Tidings will contain only two pages. Look

for an expanded version of TIDINGS in

upcoming days.

“Jesus Saves! Moses Invests!” -

Psalm 46:10

Holy Trinity

Episcopal Church

Fruitland Park, FL

www.holytrinityfp.com

TIDINGS

Apr1l 2009

Apr1l 2009

Apr1l 2009

Apr1l 2009

Holy Trinity Receives Gift of New Organ

By Melody Tuener

In a gesture of remarkable generosity, Holy

Trinity has been “gifted” with a slightly worn but

wonderful organ, courtesy of a slight screw-up on the

Internet and U.P.S. The instrument, although a bit

larger than the current two keyboard piece, has been

kept in prime condition since it was first installed in its

obscure parish- Norman’s Tabernacle- in Salt Lake

City, Utah.

Originally, the organ was offered to Holy Trinity

Episcopal Cathedral & National Shrine in

Washington, D.C., whose email address

htecns@yahoo.com

was virtually identical to our own

Holy Trinity’s. At the same time, U.P.S. recorded the

address of the incorrect email, entered the address

into his GPS, thus ending up in Fruitland Park.

Music Director Sharon “Tick les” Redding said she

was overjoyed at seeing the new organ, still pack ed

in its 1,235 pack ing crates. “There were more boxes

than I expected, but I thought they just packed it

really well.”

As our stalwart Sextons began reassembling the

organ, those assisting realized that space would be a

problem. Regardless, we are very grateful to

Norman’s Tabernacle for our wonderful new organ!

Vestry Sells Excess Parish Land

By Alanda Lakes

Offered the opportunity to assure the financial

stability of Holy Trinity Episcopal Church, the Vestry

voted unanimously to sell the excess land just north

of the school, currently used as a soccer field. Church

accountant Lois Common-Denominador said the deal

was a win-win for the Parish

The land, which is comprised of just over 4.5

acres, has grown considerably in value since the

influx of retirees in the nearly Villages. Although the

new owner wishes to remain anonymous, the

purchase price of $45.3 million is expected to fund

Holy Trinity for the next 200 years.

The new owner assured the Vestry that the

recreational use of the land will remain essentially

unchanged. “I want to assure the parishioners of Holy

Trinity that our plans will in no way change the look of

the bucolic setting of the church. In fact, we hope the

neighborhood will feel quite fortunate to have us as

new neighbors. To alleviate fears, the new owner

released the attached architectural rendering, adding

“You’re Fired!”

Older Photo w/ old colors

Finished with new paint scheme

Artist rendering of new org an

Artist rendering of

Anonymous Priest

Artist Tendering of a

Typical Parish Event

Bishop Reaffirms Traditional Priesthood

By Holly MacKerel

Issuing his annual premiere d’Avril statement to

the faithful, Bishop Ima Kleric reiterated his

ecclesiastical beliefs of the traditional nature of the

Episcopal priesthood. Building on the success of a

nearly unanimous Diocesan Convention, the Bishop

reaffirmed his belief that respect for a traditional and

theologically sound priesthood meant avoiding the

temptation of modernism. The bishop then

immediately ordered the deposing (de-frocking) of all

female and gay clergy.

Upon further reflection, the Bishop pronounced

that, “since marriage in the clergy is a

relatively “modernist” concept in

Christianity, effective immediately, all

married clergy shall be deposed as

well.” Complicating the situation is the

historical oddity that all of Jesus’

original disciples were Jewish men who

spoke Aramaic.

Finding only one Aramaic-

speaking-single-Jewish-male

ordained priest in the entire Diocese, the Bishop

immediately pressed him into service to consecrate

enough hosts for all 76 parishes and 11 missions,

before deposing himself as bishop.

(Ed. Note: The name of the single, validly-ordained

priest was being kept under lock and key inside a

hermetically sealed mayonnaise jar, for fear that the

former bishops of Ft. Worth and Pittsburgh might

seek to entice him away.)

When ask ed about why the Church

abandoned its ancient theological support of slavery

to more “modernist” ideas, the former bishop just

wink ed and said, “You don’t think we were looking for

protective status in Uganda for our health do you?”

Fellowship Folkes Detail New Offering

by

Della K. Tessen

Releasing details for the next fellowship event,

Fellowship Folk s chairperson Hank “Fly Boy” Childs

announced the latest parish fellowship project.

“Building on the

great success of

the previous

year’s fellowship

events, we’re

really look ing

forward to this

fellowship event

as well.” The

committee is

looking

for

volunteers to do this

and that, although we

need many more

volunteers to do this, and not so many to do that.

Please sign up in the Parish Hall to help mak e this

fellowship event another great success.

Some Trees Need to Be Cut from Illness

By Sandi Dunes

There is a change coming to the landscape

surrounding Holy Trinity. An expert from the Florida

Wildlife and Agriculture Department announced that a

number of the trees on the Church property, notably

those near the front of the church building behind the

cemetery have become infected with Far Eastern

New Mexican Bark Beetles, a slow moving but rapidly

invasive species of tree-eating beetle from South

America. The species does not do any actual harm to

trees, but can kill them within a week to two.

Spok esperson Ann Arbor noted that the

species probably came from overseas years ago

while local citrus harvesters were picking fruit in Lake

County last month. “We’ve had a big problem with

these exotic pests. Once they invade an area, they

are incredibly difficult to eradicate.” Junior Warden

Russell “Prune-it-Back” Casson, who has worked so

diligently with Parish volunteers, said philosophically,

“Sometimes you beat the beetle, and sometimes the

beetle beats you.”

The Vestry held an emergency meeting today

and has proposed several new “slogans” for Holy

Trinity’s Church Ads. Among them were:

“The Little Church Among the Stumps;”

or

“The Little Church about a half mile from the

Citgo station just past the New Apartments

on the Right,”

or

“The church with the brown historical sign

near the Fruitland Park Flea Market,

Open Sat & Sun. 9-3”

A Parish vote f or the preferred slogan will be

taken at midnight during the next full moon.

Artist Rendering After Tree Removal

Happy April Fools

Everyone!

Artist Rendering of a Text Box